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One of the time-honored rituals of our society is to make New Year's resolutions. We make a list of things that (hopefully) will be better in the coming year than they were in the previous year, and then race to see who can break their resolutions first. Whether it is the resolution to lose weight that succumbs to the Super Bowl party buffet, the resolution to stop wasting time that falls victim to the thirty-fourth viewing of "Pirates of the Caribbean" or the resolution to be a better person that dies in the mall parking lot during return week the resolutions we make never seem to last very long.

Some people have decided to be smarter with their resolutions, and make their only resolution one of not making resolutions. Well, that seems like cheating in my book, and isn't a resolution to not make any resolutions actually a resolution in and of itself? In addition, by making that resolution, which promises to not make any resolutions, you've actually broken your resolution as soon as you make it! Talk about one step forward and two steps back....

In order to avoid such a quagmire I have decided to make resolutions for other people. That's right, since resolutions are made to be broken, why not make them for other people? Let them be the bad guy...yeah, that's the ticket! So, without further ado, here is my list of Resolutions For Other People:

• Democrat Underground—Start taking group therapy.

  Hoo-boy, does this group provide cannon fodder for political commentary or what? Threatening the life of the President, siding with America's enemies, hate, rage, bigotry, prejudice and assorted criminal behavior...it's all there! Never has the seamy underside of Democrat politics been as exposed as it is at Democrat Underground. (Even James Carville knew how to smile, guys.) Remember, if America does not like you it will be hard to get them to like your message. Spread love, not hate!

• Dick Gephardt—Admit that you are not major league.

  Some people rise to the level of their incompetence, and Dick Gephardt has proven what a miserable failure he is when it comes to running for President. Dick, some helpful advice: if you were not in a safe district you would not even be in Congress. Start making those plans for after-Congress lobbying and stop wasting your time and taxpayer money.

• France, Germany and Belgium—Wake up and smell the coffee.

  You let the dollar, I mean the Euro, guide your foreign policy and it backfired. Admit that you were wrong, that a free Iraq will never pay for Saddam's palaces and weapons of war and that President Bush was right about Saddam. Sure, it means admitting that you armed, aided and abetted one of the world's worst human beings ever, but it gets you back on track for once again receiving American money. And that is what it is all about, isn't it?

• Hillary Clinton—Drop the act and declare your candidacy.

  No one believes you anyway, so you might as well help out all the poor Democrats who are wasting their money contributing to other people's campaigns. Remember, you are the party of the poor people! Just try not to be seen too often with billionaires like George Soros or the wives of runaway corporate thieves like Denise Rich. You have that "common" facade to maintain, after all. You may want to see John F. Kenn...err...Kerry about what not to do.

• Howard Dean—Stop speaking without a prepared text.

  Whether it is resurrecting the Soviet Union, refusing to unseal the records from his days as Governor of Vermont or making the Vermont Yankee nuclear facility as secure as a French bordello, Mr. Dean has continuously demonstrated why he is not ready for prime time. The Angry Left may adore him and his bomb-throwing ways, but the American electorate will "honor" him with the lowest electoral vote total since Walter Mondale.

• Intelligent Democrats—Switch parties and join the Republicans.

  You know you want to!

• John F. Kenn...err...Kerry—Start drinking beer and eating pork rinds.

  Swearing (particularly the "F" word) is a good start towards convincing the American people that you are not really a pseudo-French Euro-wannabee, but you need to do more to endear yourself to "Joe Sixpack". You might want to choose a different swear-word, though, the kids might be watching. Try the "D" word or "H" word instead. And remember, chicken wings and burgers are your friends, cucumber sandwiches and iced tea are not.

• The Liberal media—Take classes in ethics, reporting, logic, math...heck, just go back to college.

  Mired in a quagmire of irresponsible journalism, the liberal media keeps converting people to Republicans. I love it, the Republican Party loves it, but if you are a liberal you know it has to stop. As fun as it was lying to the American public for decades—and getting away with it—the world has changed. The public has access to alternative (not to mention fair and balanced) news sources, and they know better now. You were able to fool most of the people for a long, long time but the ride is over. Either you start doing the job of real journalists (hint: it involves the reporting of facts, not opinions) or you will go the way of the Dodo.

• President Bush—Take pride in your party.

  Trying to buy votes might have seen like a good idea when 2004 looked like it might be a repeat of 2000, but the times have changed and it is looking like a landslide instead. Take pride in your party, its heritage and the economic policies that have worked: Supply Side economics. No more tariffs, no more protectionism, no more anti-free trade policies. It is time to rally the troops for battle, and making the party faithful question your party loyalty is exactly the wrong thing to do in an election year.

• Republicans—Remember 1948.

  Do not get too confident, do not get complacent and do not assume that all the voters can see through the Democrats and their positions like you can.

• Russia—Realize that you can't do it alone.

  There is a reason why no one outside of nationalists in Russia considers you to be a Superpower any more. Trying to form your own agreements throughout the world, often simply to oppose whomever is already there, is a Cold War tactic best left in the past. Join NATO, snuggle up next to the world's sugar-daddy and then watch and learn. Let the United States show you how to win wars and build corporate empires.

• Terrorists—Call it a day.

  Your Jihad has failed. Pack it in and wait for another "Great Satan" to come along that can't kick your ass from one side of the planet to the other—you know, like the French.

• Wesley Clark—Start taking Prozac and stop talking about the Balkans.

  Dude, like lighten up. Threatening to "beat the shit out of" people who disagree with you is no way to run for President. Besides, you have your job cut out for you in explaining how you got fired from that job in the Balkans that you are trying to make the centerpiece of your foreign policy experience. Trying to start World War III might get you some votes with the Unabomber crowd but Americans do not elect people for their ability to start wars. And that little matter of Milosevic winning a seat in the Serb Parliament makes you look even sillier. What would you be threatening to do to Bush if Saddam started winning free elections in Iraq? Remember: deep breaths, calm cool ocean, and stop talking about the Balkans.

I expect that my words of wisdom will go largely unheeded, or (at best) last about as long as the average new television series, but that is part of the fun of making resolutions. Everyone knows resolutions are meant to be broken, just like campaign promises!

As for my own resolutions...well, I resolve not to make any resolutions that will be broken except for the ones that should be broken because the best interests of the people are concerned, or a vast political conspiracy forces me to, or because I become a Federal Judge, in which case my resolutions will have the force of law (in some parts of the country).

...the resolutions we make never seem to last very long.

I have decided to make resolutions for other people.

Switch parties and join the Republicans. You know you want to!

Everyone knows resolutions are meant to be broken, just like campaign promises!