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Following in my own footsteps (does that mean I'm walking in circles?) I will once again make a list of reslutions that other people should keep. One of the time-honored rituals of our society is to make New Year's resolutions. We make a list of things that (hopefully) will be better in the coming year than they were in the previous year, and then race to see who can break their resolutions first. Whether it is the resolution to lose weight that succumbs to the Super Bowl party buffet, the resolution to stop wasting time that falls victim to the thirty-fourth viewing of "Shrek 2" or the resolution to be a better person that dies in the mall parking lot during return week the resolutions we make never seem to last very long.

Last year I decided against cheating (not making resolutions at all) because that was hardly sporting and a bit illogical:

Some people have decided to be smarter with their resolutions, and make their only resolution one of not making resolutions. Well, that seems like cheating in my book, and isn't a resolution to not make any resolutions actually a resolution in and of itself? In addition, by making that resolution, which promises to not make any resolutions, you've actually broken your resolution as soon as you make it! Talk about one step forward and two steps back....

In order to avoid such a quagmire I will again make resolutions for other people. That's right, since resolutions are made to be broken, why not make them for other people? Let them be the bad guy! So, without further ado, here is my 2005 list of Resolutions For Other People:

• Moveon.org—Make the move, take over the Democrat party!

  Don't stop now, you've almost remade it into the National Socialist Democrat Party. You might as well go all the way and establish a true socialist regime in America. After all, it's for our own good, right?

• Al Franken—Pick up the phone!

  Al, why haven't you called? I'd be more than happy to clear up your confusion in person. Pick up the phone; make the call! Oh, and you don't mind if I record the conversation, do you? I'd hate for people to think your made-up conversations are the real thing. That would be awful to confuse innocent people, wouldn't it? Al?

• People of Iraq—Keep fighting for your freedom.

  You're almost there. Keep fighting those terrorists. Your life really does depend on it. You are closer to freedom than ever before. Don't let the terrorists or the theocrats keep you from what is rightfully yours: a free and democratic nation secure in its borders and able to determine its own destiny.

• Tom Daschle—Oops, never mind!

  Terrible news about that election thing. Isn't it horrible that other people get to decide whether you keep your job?! Too bad you couldn't filibuster that move, eh?

• President Senator Kerry—Perhaps a new career is in order?

  I hear there will be some openings at the United Nations soon.

• Democrat Underground—Start taking group therapy.

  Hmm, this looks like the same resolution as last year. Indeed, with the launch of "demopedia", the encyclodepdia of lies, distortions and propaganda, the folks at DU are now in more need than ever of a good group hug.

• France, Germany and Belgium—Wake up and smell the coffee.

  Yes, another repeat from last year. Still on the to-do list because none of these nations have come to their senses, despite overwhelming evidence that the United States was right and they (along with the bureaucrats at the United Nations) were wrong. C'mon guys, admit that you were wrong, that a free Iraq is always better than one led by Saddam. Sure, it means admitting that you armed, aided and abetted one of the world's worst human beings ever, but it gets you back on track for once again receiving American money. And that is what it is all about, isn't it? Isn't that why you allowed yourself to be bribed by Saddam through the oil for food program? Well?

• Hillary Clinton—Drop the act and declare your candidacy.

  We're still waiting, but your move to be perceived as a "conservative" Senator says it all! If only you truly had forsaken the Dark Side and joined the forces of freedom....

• Intelligent Democrats—Switch parties and join the Republicans.

  Many of you did! Welcome aboard, and for the rest of you: we're saving a seat for you.

• The Liberal media—Take classes in ethics, reporting, logic, math...heck, just go back to college.

  Of course this item appears again. 'Memogate", anyone?

• Russia—Step back from the Dark Side.

  Russia makes the list again, but for different reasons. Their Putin-led march back into darkness is not a good sign. Nor is their warming relationship with China, the world's largest authoritarian regime. Put those two together and no good can come of it. Russia needs our help on this one, so let's hope that Condi Rice can convince Putin that his fortunes are better with the West.

• Terrorists—Call it a day.

  You should have taken my advice from last year and given up! Instead you are reduced to begging for President Bush to stop "bringing it on", for Americans to elect John Kerry and for the Iraqis not to elect anyone. That's a pretty pathetic record, broken only by the American left.

• Michael Moore—Don't stop with the haircut.

  Dude, it's time to get some self-respect. Lying and spreading propaganda is no way to go through life. Sure, it's made you rich, but then again Goebbles lived the good life for a decade or two until Judgement Day arrived. Do you really want to be working for the Dark Side when that day comes? Think of the children. Heck, think of your child. Do you really want her to read about how her father is the worst propagandist of all time? Well, do you? Prove to us that it isn't all about the money with you. Even Darth Vader retained a small ember of goodness. Surely there's hope for you beneath that cloak of hatred you wear.

Hopefully this year will see a better record than last year's resolutions.

For myself, I resolve to keep making resolutions for other people. It seems to be working out well (for me, at least).

...the resolutions we make never seem to last very long.

I will again make resolutions for other people.

Al, why haven't you called?

'Memogate", anyone?