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Ladies and gentlemen, I present columnist Maureen Dowd, in her own words (and quoted the way she prefers to quote President Bush).

Could...Be Right?

What a...man Clarence Thomas is.

He knew that he could...make a powerful legal argument against racial preferences...thanks to his race.

...he made a powerful...argument against...affirmative action.

Justice Thomas's dissent in the 5-4 decision preserving affirmative action in university admissions has persuaded me that affirmative action is not the way to go.

The dissent is a...study of a man....

It's poignant, really. It makes him...where he is because of his race...he is where he is because of his race.

Other justices rely on...Justice Thomas...on race....

In his dissent, he...dismisses the University of Michigan Law School's desire to see...bigotry in society....

Justice Thomas scorns affirmative action as "a faddish slogan of the cognoscenti." Quoting Frederick Douglass on the "Negro" 140 years ago, he urges: " `All I ask is, give him a chance to stand on his own legs! Let him alone! . . . Your interference is doing him positive injury.' "

He is at the pinnacle, an African-American who succeeded in getting...Anita Hill...by playing..and who got a $1.5 million advance to write his African-American...story, "From Pin Point to Points After."

So...his...blessings...come....

It's impossible...someone...could benefit so much from...action and then pull up...after himself. So maybe he is...his own....

When...a young man, he knew that he would be a hotter commodity in politics.

But he also knew that it would bring him the scorn of...the white establishment — people like Justice Thurgood Marshall, who ridiculed Clarence Thomas and others as "goddamn black sellouts" for benefiting from affirmative action....

As Jill Abramson and Jane Mayer write...Mr. Thomas himself complained in a 1987 speech that, to win acceptance..."a black was required to become a caricature of sorts, providing sideshows of anti-black quips and attacks." (Just as blonde...pundettes flash long legs and sneer at feminism.)

...the 43-year-old was nominated by Bush 41...was "the best qualified" man for the job...his inspiring life story, grandson of a sharecropper and son of a Georgia woman who picked the meat out of crabshells.

...Justice Thomas has been... his own personal drama, ...Mr. Thomas...can...focus on bigger issues of morality and justice. ...on the court, he is now left to worry that his success is not...enough.

President Bush, the Yale legacy...is playing...action politics in the preliminary vetting of a prospective Supreme Court nominee, Alberto Gonzales. ...Bush 43 will call Mr. Gonzales the best qualified man for the job...the one best qualified to help...the...Hispanic vote.

President Bush and Justice Thomas have brought me around. I don't want affirmative action....

The preceding has been a message from Maureen Dowd, passed through her own political filter. I hope you found it as entertaining as I did.

It is now abundantly clear that Maureen Dowd suffers not only from penis envy, but also from melanin envy. It is clearly driving her mad-dog crazy. She knows that she is where she is only because she is a woman, and longs for the real success she could have obtained if she had understood the Constitution as well as Clarence Thomas does.

Sometimes these columns just write themselves....

What a...man Clarence Thomas is.

Other justices rely on...Justice Thomas...on race....

He is at the pinnacle, an African-American who succeeded in getting...Anita Hill....

President Bush and Justice Thomas have brought me around. I don't want affirmative action....